The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
