I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
