Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
