Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
