I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
