So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
