Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
