how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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