I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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