Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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