I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
