Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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