I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We talked him into tasing himself.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
