between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
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I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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