my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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