I can text with my tongue
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
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