there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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