Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
