yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
