Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
