So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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