if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
