and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
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I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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