I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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