god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..