Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
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Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
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Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You ate ashes out of my bong