Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
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Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We don't watch enough power rangers
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Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me