awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
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my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
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I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?