Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
