genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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