i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
