I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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