My liver just broke up with me...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
