Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
