I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He passed out mid-signature
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
