remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
