smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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