Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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