I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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