I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
