Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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