So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
