I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
