no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
