My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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