If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
