I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
