fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
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Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
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I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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