last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
