we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
