Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
