I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
