i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
