Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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