You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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