JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
