someone threw a dead crab at me
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
