The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i was born a porn star she said
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
