All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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