her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
