i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
