I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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