HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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