i was born a porn star she said
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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