So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
