Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
