if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
